War and Peace—Reflection Series

As I was thinking about everything going on in the world today—with so much fear and a future filled with uncertainty—the Holy Spirit reminded me about a day in my own life when, overwhelmed by fear, I too, faced an uncertain future.

The day was January 9^th, 1993.

Just the day before, life was looking rosy. I had been released from prison to stay with my parents while I got back on my feet. They lived in a small community at the base of Big Sur and my bedroom was nestled in the pines overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was everything I thought I needed to feel safe and free. That first night I slept in a ‘real’ bed for the first time in what felt like forever.  And I slept peacefully and soundly.

But the new day dawned. And with it, my new life. As I stood in front of the bathroom mirror brushing my hair and getting ready for the day, I saw the reflection in front of me waver as I suddenly caught my breath and staggered under the weight of what felt like a thick tar suddenly overtaking me. That thick ooze reeked of fear, condemnation, guilt, hopelessness, unworthiness and oh—so much more. I felt paralyzed and consumed as I tried to process what was happening. For a full half a minute, I stood there frozen, struggling to catch my breath when the Holy Spirit stepped in and quickened me to take authority over what I was feeling and rebuke the enemy.

2 Corinthians 10:5 is a Scripture that speaks about how important it is to bring every thought into captivity. And I knew immediately when the Holy Spirit quickened me that I couldn’t dwell on what I had just felt or seen. Scripture also tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear, and though there was some small bits of truth in that ooze, I knew if I had allowed myself to stay there any longer, I would have been in trouble.

In the 3^rd Blog of this Reflection Series, I shared a time in my life when I had become so hopeless and overwhelmed that I didn’t want to go on. I had been swept up by those out-of-control emotions—swept right into the enemy’s hands.

But this time was very different!

This time, as a child of God, He had equipped me with all the tools I needed—the power of His word and the Holy Spirit, Who leads us into all truth. So, when I yielded to the Holy Spirit’s prompting and resisted those thoughts (taking them captive), I effectively slammed that door shut! And the flood of emotions was stopped. Praise God!  I knew that no part of what had happened was from God. It’s the devil who had come to kill, steal and destroy the plans and purposes God had for my life.

I knew there would be a day when the Holy Spirit would lead me though my healing, but during that time, He was teaching me how to use my authority—how to be an overcomer.

In the last few months, I have been made aware of ministers, church leaders, and believers who are all having difficulty withstanding the onslaught of the enemy. Yes, the warfare has been intense, but I also know that the Lord will bring us though as we stay focused on Him. Our victory is in Him!

You might be wondering if those feelings came back again during that season in my life. Yes, truthfully, they did. Not every day, but when they did, I couldn’t allow myself dwell on them. I had to be consistent and intentional and take them captive.

Over the past couple of years, as I started sharing my testimony, those are the very emotions that have tried to stop me from moving forward, and again, I have had to take them captive and determine to move forward as the Lord was leading me.

Fear is a powerful weapon the enemy uses against us to derail the plans God has for our lives. For me, the realization that I’ve lost my peace is my first clue that I am not walking in all that Jesus did for me!

Are YOU standing in what God has given you as His child? Is the enemy trying to take your focus off the Lord?

Take those thoughts captive and, as it says in James 4:7—“Resist the devil and he will FLEE!”

Praise God!

 

Photo by Marcus Woodbridge on Unsplash

Peace and Joy — Reflection Series

If you have read any of my previous blogs, you’ll know that most center around a season in my life spent in prison. And, lately, as I have been reflecting back on that season, I’m realizing that the Lord used that time to develop and deepen my relationship with Him. And, out of that deeper relationship, has come a confidence, a boldness, and an unwavering belief that the promises in His Word are true for my life.

Over this past month, I’ve heard many believers say that their lives have been shaken by fear and doubt, confusion and discouragement, and a consuming weariness that makes it difficult to keep their footing in God’s Word.

I was in much the same place on the day I walked through the prison gates. I was desperate for His help, but had little left in me to even ask for it.

So, I asked God for His protection. 

I didn’t know if I would get an answer, let alone hear His voice, and I certainly didn’t expect there would be conditions! But I did hear His answer, and what He told me was this: If I wanted His protection, I would need to follow all of the prison rules, I would need to be obedient, to work as unto Him, and to never ask Him how much longer. No, God wasn’t bargaining with me. He just knew better than I did what I was going to need to keep my focus on Him. In order for me to not only survive, but thrive in prison, God had to have my full attention.

From that very first day, I never felt fear, I was confident that He had me. But what I didn’t expect was the added benefit of the peace and joy I walked in every day. I found that no matter the chaos around me, the circumstances of my existence, or my lack of control over any of it—I was still able to rest in His peace. And interestingly enough, that place of rest in His peace and joy had always eluded me. But here, in prison, I was living it. Every day.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

This was one of the first Scriptures I learned as a new Christian. And throughout the intervening years, I struggled with walking that Scripture out. Sure, I understood what it said, but it never got from my head to my heart. They were just words on a page. But while I was in prison it came so easily. That Scripture came to life and became a part of me—a part of who I was, a part of my nature. But when I walked back out those prison gates and into the ‘real’ world, it didn’t take me long to get right back to worrying, stressing, and continually looking for the peace and joy that once again eluded me.

How did that happen?

I had to ask myself a lot of questions as I looked back on that time in my life. Here are some of my take a ways:

Why was it so easy there? Was it because in prison I realized that it was only God who could keep me safe? Did I think it was time for me to handle my life again when I walked out those gates?

Or, did I let the chaos of life get in the way of the truth?

And why, if I knew what it was like to live in peace and joy, would I ever choose to go back into that bondage? Was I choosing not to trust in the Lord? Was I allowing myself to believe the lie and think that it was only possible to stand on His Word when things were bright and rosy?

The understanding for me came when I realized that while I was in prison, I walked in communion and intimacy with Him every day. And I couldn’t wait for evening when I could spend quiet time with Him. The truth is, that when I got out, other things started taking priority. Life got in the way.

I can honestly say that over the last 7 years I have made the choice to address everything that has tried to steal my peace and joy, and to once again regain that intimacy with the Father and His Son.  Daily I ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what I need to do, and what I need to take authority over. And He has been faithful to lead me into His truth.

But first, I had to make a choice. I had to choose to focus on my Father and not on the chaos around me.

I want to leave you with this Scripture:   

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”  John 14:27

That Word says don’t let your heart be troubled or afraid. Jesus said He gives you His Peace. So, grab hold of that today. 

That peace belongs to you, and He’s inviting you to walk in it.

Are there areas in your life where you need the Holy Spirit’s help? Remember, He’s there to do just that. He lives inside you.

Let’s not allow what’s going on around us to steal what Jesus has already provided for us.

Amen?

 

 

 

 

Forgiving Oneself — Reflection Series

In my last blog, I mentioned that I had finally been able to forgive myself. One of my readers reached out and asked if I could expand on it in my next blog.  May I say upfront, in all honesty, that it’s still something I wrestle with. And because I don’t think I’m alone in that struggle, I want to talk about recognizing the need to forgive ourselves, and what it might look like to walk out that process.

About a year after I was released from prison, my father said this to me, “I don’t care what you did in the past, or who you used to be. What matters to me is who you are today.” Over time, I was able to see in his eyes how much he loved me, and understand how he honored me as a person. I was his daughter, but I also knew that he sincerely loved and respected me. Unconditionally.

And knowing my father loved me became the lifeline I reached for whenever I beat myself up (again) for the choices I had made –or for the consequences of those choices. It was one thing that I had to deal with them, but there were others caught up in the ripple effect of my actions.  Even though I have always believed that I am accountable and responsible for my choices—and even though I “did my time”—how do I forgive myself for all of the devastation that my ‘storm’ caused?

That’s the question I wrestle with over and over again.

How many messages have I preached about forgiveness over the years? More than I can remember. But during this season, as I have begun sharing the story of my time in prison, I find myself struggling with the concept of forgiving myself once more. Or actually, more truthfully, I’m not sure that I’ve ever been completely free from it.

Lately, it’s something that comes up everywhere I turn, but now I am able to see so clearly that it’s been the enemy all along who wants to use it to hold me in bondage.  I know that tearing down this stronghold was not something I could do under my own strength, so I turned to the Holy Spirit for help and guidance. I needed Him to show me the way.

And the Holy Spirit is always so faithful. The first thing he did was to ask me what I was feeling—I told Him, “Shame and regret.”  I thought that maybe it’s because I don’t want people to think that is who I am, but then again, I made the choice knowing it was wrong. And what about all the lives that were damaged by what I did? That can never be undone. When I asked the Holy Spirit, “How do I forgive myself for that?” He reminded me that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing the offense. It means seeing yourself as God sees you. Forgiven.

So, remembering my father’s statement all those years ago, I chose to walk forward and allow the Word to do it’s work in me. I had to take every thought captive that was contrary to who God said that I am. Every time shame, guilt, or embarrassment would wash over me, I had to see it for what it was—fear of man, or even pride. I wanted to look good before man, but every time the Holy Spirit revealed what it for what it really was, I would repent, because in my heart, I only wanted to please God, not man.

Looking back, it’s funny that growing up, I desperately wanted my natural father to be proud of who I was. I wanted to hear him say, “That’s my daughter!”, and know that he was proud of me. But how much more do I want my Heavenly Father to be pleased with me?

It’s clear to me now, that by not forgiving myself, I would always be in bondage. But Jesus paid the ultimate price for my freedom. John 8:36 NIV says “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. One of the first steps to my freedom was to forgive myself and then to walk in that forgiveness.

The bottom line is that it was a choice—my choice.

What will you choose?

Freedom and Forgiveness — Reflection Series

A friend of mine asked me an interesting question this week.  I look forward to our conversations because she always pushes me to think outside the box. This day her question was, “Over the past several years, what area in your life has had the biggest change or the most growth?”

To my surprise, I replied without any hesitation, “Freedom!”

The minute it left my mouth, I knew it was true. You know that feeling you get in your spirit when something speaks to your heart? Yep. That’s the one.

But even though I knew it was true, I really didn’t understand the ‘why’ part. So, I asked God, “Why freedom?” and He took me back to when He first asked me to write a book—to the time I had been explaining to Him how difficult it was for me to put words on paper or speak into a recorder—to the time the Holy Spirit suggested that instead of doing either of those things, that I preach each chapter from the pulpit.

What a great idea! So that’s exactly what I did!

The chapters that formed the basis for those messages came from the book I’m writing called, “The Power of God in the Midst of Your Storm.”  It chronicles the season in my life that I spent in prison and it details how I saw the power of the Holy Spirit move daily with healings, salvations, baptisms in the Holy Spirit, and finally the miracle of water baptism in a prison that had never had one—before or since. So many manifestations of the Spirit! Such wonderful freedom in the Spirit! Such freedom in a place where freedom shouldn’t exist. Thank you God!

But interestingly, as I shared those amazing testimonies from my time in prison, that very revelation of freedom started to unravel for me, and I felt my heart, my courage, and my strength unravel right along with it. I was taking giant steps backward in the Spirit—and I felt exposed and vulnerable. All I could think about was that now everyone was going to know! I was a respected Pastor and business woman—but what would they think of me now?

I was determined NEVER to share my testimony again.

During those messages about the amazing things the Lord had done through me, I often made the statement that the manifestations of His Spirit made me feel like “I was freer in prison then I had ever been on the outside.” But even though I really felt that way, God showed me that that thinking was contrary to His Word. And I began to ponder the things He was showing me.

As the Holy Spirit began to speak to my heart, I looked back on the times when I had actually had the courage to mention that I’d been in prison, and I saw that no sooner had the words left my mouth, than I’d be overwhelmed by fear of man and pummeled with thoughts of “What will they think of me now?”

But with the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit, I was beginning to understand about shame, about fear of man, and about forgiving myself.

But then COVID hit, and with it came lock downs and locked churches. Everything we did was either on zoom or livestreamed to FaceBook. I never thought much about what that really meant in terms of scope and I continued to share testimonies of what the Lord did while I was in prison in messages that were now being video taped. And those messages went out on FaceBook. To the world. Wait! What?

Why I didn’t think about the implications of having my messages go out on FaceBook, I don’t know. But what I do know is that I really hadn’t expected anyone outside our church to watch them! Knowing that people across the United States and even in other countries were watching my messages was all it took for the shame and fear of man to overwhelm me once again. None of this was triggered by their comments—No! I bought into the lies of the enemy hook, line, and sinker. All by myself! I wasn’t truly free at all!

But God is so, so good.  Over the last few years, the Holy Spirit has been teaching me how to walk in the freedom Jesus paid for on the cross. With the renewed presence of Covid, we’re continuing to push our video taped messages out to FaceBook. And now, whenever I feel any form of intimidation welling up inside me, instead of stopping or backing up, I intentionally push myself forward. I have learned to take those thoughts captive—to tear down those strongholds in my life that stopped me from being who God created me to be—and Praise God! I can now say that I truly am free!  I found the courage to speak what God asked me to share, and the compassion for both myself and those who God intends the message to touch. There is less and less fear of man and more and more forgiveness of myself.

Now that is freedom—the real freedom spoken of in Galatians 5:1

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

 Today, I can say honestly I am freer now then I have ever been. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel this way! Praise God He is changing me from glory to glory!

Reflections:

The other day as I was walking, the Holy Spirit was talking about the book and this next season in my life and He spoke this to me, “You could have stopped at any point in this journey and I would not have been upset with you.” When He said it, I felt like He understood how difficult each step has been and how proud He was that I didn’t quit. Then I heard Him ask, “But hasn’t it been worth it?” And my answer? “Absolutely!”

Is there something that’s making you stop or back up?  Something that’s keeping you from moving forward into what God has for you?

I encourage you to take a look at where you are. Spend time with Him and ask if there’s something that needs to be moved or a stronghold that needs to come down.  He never promised it would be easy. But He does promise that it will be worth it.  And He’ll be with you all the way.

Praise God.

How Great is God’s Love – Reflection Series

With my life (and everyone else’s) put on ‘hold’ these past many months — I’ve had plenty of time to look back on my life. Back before lockdowns and shutdowns, before masks and protocols, before Covid threatened to change life as we know it. God took me back to a time when life was stacked against me on all sides. And I was facing it all alone. The date was Friday, August 21, 1987—to be exact.

To be honest, I can even remember the gut-wrenching emotions of that day. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Exhaustion. Defeat.

Any of this sound familiar?

For me, the ‘day’ in question actually began when we moved to Kauai in April of that year.  My husband, Bob, had purchased a helicopter tour company—he’d been flying charters in California when this new opportunity came along.  But this company was heavily in debt. Even so, Bob had always had businesses, so he believed he could turn this one around too. Only problem was that since he would be doing the flying, it would fall to me to run the business side of things.

To say I was in over-my-head from the very beginning would be an understatement. I was isolated (physically and emotionally) from everything I had ever known, I was stressed, overwhelmed, bill collector’s were calling, and I was trying to make sense of the growing tower of manuals on my desk. Besides all the paperwork, there were 30 new employees, I was putting in 16 hours a day, 7 days a week and there was absolutely no end in sight. Instead of slowing down, the piles on my desk just grew higher, the personnel problems multiplied, and the governmental red tape spiraled out of control.

I came into work that Friday exhausted—overwhelmed with hopelessness and frustration. The phone rang. Again. This time it was the maintenance facility at the other end of the airport. They were holding one of our helicopters. They wanted to be paid for the work they’d done and if we didn’t come up with the money, they would hold our helicopter until we did. And, in the meantime, if we couldn’t fly, there would be no tours. No income. No one would get paid. And I was responsible for the livelihoods of 30 people and their families—from pilots on down to the ‘kids’ who answered the phones. I was responsible. It all fell on me.

I felt my body collapse on the inside. I had nothing left. I had stopped listening. I had stopped feeling. I couldn’t even find the breath to speak when the voice on the other end of the line stopped abruptly. So, I placed the receiver back in the cradle. The click sounded loud and final in my head. Final. It was done. I was done. I had hit a wall. There was no way I could face another Monday.

The thought that was only a seed on Friday, took on a life of its own over the weekend, and by Sunday night I found myself fingering the bottle of sleeping pills in my pocket. Could I do it? Of course I could. Then another thought ran across my mind as the empty pill bottle hit the floor—if God didn’t want me to die, then I would be alive tomorrow. That was my last thought before I lost consciousness.

My husband is normally a sound sleeper, but for some reason Bob woke up around 2 in the morning and found me on the floor in the other room unresponsive and not breathing. We didn’t have a phone in the house but we lived right behind the hospital. Somehow Bob was able to get staff from the hospital back to our condo. Together, they rushed me to the emergency room where they worked on me for an hour—all the while telling Bob that if he was a praying man he should start now, because it didn’t look good.

We were both unsaved at the time. But, at the hospital, Bob found his way to the chapel. In his desperation, Bob cried out to God that if He would save me, then he would do whatever God wanted.

I could say the rest is history. But God is still writing my story.

As I looked back on that day, I’m reminded of just how great is God’s love for us—

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

It would be another 6 months before we gave our lives to the Lord. The Lord showed us both that He was real. And that He heard our prayers.

And during the season we’re all currently walking through, I’ve sensed the helplessness, hopelessness, and isolation of the many who are trying to find their way through. I remember what that felt like. I didn’t believe my life had any purpose or value and I couldn’t see any possibility of things getting better.

But I was wrong!

Isaiah 43:1-2 says, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.”

Ironically, the next seven years of my life didn’t improve. My life actually got worse, but the Lord walked out every step with me.  The truth is that I was never alone and I came to know the reality of the goodness and faithfulness of our Lord.

So today, looking back, do you know what I really saw? I saw God’s handprint all over my life—even before I knew Him, He knew me.

If you’re afraid, His perfect love will demolish every fear.

If you’re alone, He promises never to leave you or forsake you.

And if you’re overwhelmed, He gently asks you to let Him carry your burdens for you. But He doesn’t just carry them. He makes a way where there is no way.

That’s the God I serve. That’s the God who saved me—twice.

Will you give Him a place in your heart today?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Impossible is Possible – Reflection Series

It was November 1991, and I had just completed my first year in prison.

On this particular day, I was making my one allowed weekly call to my Pastors on Kauai.

The first peculiar thing about this day was that Pastor Larry answered the phone. That in itself was not unusual, but instead of handing the phone to his wife, Pastor Josie–like he did most every week–he said, “I need to talk to you!” It turned out that Josie had been sharing all the testimonies coming out of our prayer group—salvations, healings, and baptisms in the Holy Spirit!

Larry said he had been praying and the Lord told him that these new believers needed to be baptized in water. Without hesitation I said, “Not possible.”

In reply, he suggested I could use the bath tubs. “We don’t have bath tubs,” I said. But he didn’t leave it there. He said, “OK, so take them to the showers.”

“That’s not possible! We can’t do that!”

All the time I am thinking I just want this call to end, “Doesn’t he understand where I am at? What is he thinking!?”

I finally was able to get off the phone by promising to pray about it. Pastor Larry’s heart was in the right place, but there were all those rules and regulations that had closed every possible door in the past. To be honest, I had no plans to give it another thought. Why should I? It still just wasn’t possible.

A week later I decided to go to the monthly Bible Study led by the local Four Square Prison Ministry. It was only the second time I had attended their meetings. At the end of the service, the Pastor asked if I could stay for a few minutes. He wanted to talk to me. That was another very peculiar thing. He didn’t know me. I didn’t attend his meetings regularly. There seemed to be no obvious reason for his calling me out. But obediently, I stayed after the service.

When most everyone else had left, He walked over to me and said, “I understand you work in the maintenance department.”

Surprised, I replied, “Yes, I work in the paint department.” It turned out that he asked me to stay, because he wanted me to ask the person in charge of the maintenance if they could build something that could be used as a water baptistery.

Really? Didn’t I just have this conversation? It seemed like I was still on the phone with Pastor Larry. Again, I tried to explain that what he was asking me to do was just not possible. I tried to make it clear that as an inmate, I was not allowed to approach a department head, let alone ask them for a favor. But he would not take “no” for an answer, and he wouldn’t let me leave until I agreed that I would at least try before the end of the week. As I turned to leave, he assured me that they would all be praying for me. Great.

No one seemed to understand that the Department Heads don’t speak to inmates. I couldn’t even imagine my walking into their office and asking about building a baptistry. It took me until nearly the end of the week just to build up enough nerve to go.

When I finally did, I noticed as I approached, that the Department Head’s assistant was speaking with him. I waited, and when they finished their conversation, I asked the assistant if, in my spare time, I could build a container so we could do baptisms. He immediately said, “No!”

See? Didn’t I tell you? That’s what I expected. So I turned to walk away.

But as I turned to go, and the head of the department said, “Wait! What exactly do you need?” As I explained what I needed, he said, “I can’t allow you to build it, but I will have someone from the men’s camp build it, and it will be done by next week.”

Wait!! What?? Did that just happen?? I was in shock! How did God do that?

What I didn’t share, is that this prison had never had a water baptism before and has not had another since. That was the first—and the last. In fact, it was such big news that the local paper in Pleasanton, California ran an article about the 37 women who were water baptized in prison.

Reflection :
I had almost quit that job a month earlier, but I knew that God had placed me there for a purpose and hadn’t yet released me from the work I was doing. How easy it can be to miss the blessing that God has set in motion!

I realized later that the favor of God had gone before me with the Warden and the Head of Maintenance. I always believed that I was working as for the Lord, so I took pride in my work. It reminds me of the Scriptures about Joseph and the favor God gave him in prison.

At the time, I couldn’t imagine that these pastors would ask me to step out in faith and believe for something that was so obviously impossible. How often are we faced with a task that seems impossible? Oh me of little faith!

He truly is the God of the impossible. Today, what seems impossible in your life? Are there dreams or circumstances that seem beyond your reach? With God, nothing is impossible. He’s proven that over and over in my life.

And you can take that to the bank.

“With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:26