Forgiving Oneself — Reflection Series
In my last blog, I mentioned that I had finally been able to forgive myself. One of my readers reached out and asked if I could expand on it in my next blog. May I say upfront, in all honesty, that it’s still something I wrestle with. And because I don’t think I’m alone in that struggle, I want to talk about recognizing the need to forgive ourselves, and what it might look like to walk out that process.
About a year after I was released from prison, my father said this to me, “I don’t care what you did in the past, or who you used to be. What matters to me is who you are today.” Over time, I was able to see in his eyes how much he loved me, and understand how he honored me as a person. I was his daughter, but I also knew that he sincerely loved and respected me. Unconditionally.
And knowing my father loved me became the lifeline I reached for whenever I beat myself up (again) for the choices I had made –or for the consequences of those choices. It was one thing that I had to deal with them, but there were others caught up in the ripple effect of my actions. Even though I have always believed that I am accountable and responsible for my choices—and even though I “did my time”—how do I forgive myself for all of the devastation that my ‘storm’ caused?
That’s the question I wrestle with over and over again.
How many messages have I preached about forgiveness over the years? More than I can remember. But during this season, as I have begun sharing the story of my time in prison, I find myself struggling with the concept of forgiving myself once more. Or actually, more truthfully, I’m not sure that I’ve ever been completely free from it.
Lately, it’s something that comes up everywhere I turn, but now I am able to see so clearly that it’s been the enemy all along who wants to use it to hold me in bondage. I know that tearing down this stronghold was not something I could do under my own strength, so I turned to the Holy Spirit for help and guidance. I needed Him to show me the way.
And the Holy Spirit is always so faithful. The first thing he did was to ask me what I was feeling—I told Him, “Shame and regret.” I thought that maybe it’s because I don’t want people to think that is who I am, but then again, I made the choice knowing it was wrong. And what about all the lives that were damaged by what I did? That can never be undone. When I asked the Holy Spirit, “How do I forgive myself for that?” He reminded me that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing the offense. It means seeing yourself as God sees you. Forgiven.
So, remembering my father’s statement all those years ago, I chose to walk forward and allow the Word to do it’s work in me. I had to take every thought captive that was contrary to who God said that I am. Every time shame, guilt, or embarrassment would wash over me, I had to see it for what it was—fear of man, or even pride. I wanted to look good before man, but every time the Holy Spirit revealed what it for what it really was, I would repent, because in my heart, I only wanted to please God, not man.
Looking back, it’s funny that growing up, I desperately wanted my natural father to be proud of who I was. I wanted to hear him say, “That’s my daughter!”, and know that he was proud of me. But how much more do I want my Heavenly Father to be pleased with me?
It’s clear to me now, that by not forgiving myself, I would always be in bondage. But Jesus paid the ultimate price for my freedom. John 8:36 NIV says “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. One of the first steps to my freedom was to forgive myself and then to walk in that forgiveness.
The bottom line is that it was a choice—my choice.
What will you choose?
