Freedom and Forgiveness — Reflection Series
A friend of mine asked me an interesting question this week. I look forward to our conversations because she always pushes me to think outside the box. This day her question was, “Over the past several years, what area in your life has had the biggest change or the most growth?”
To my surprise, I replied without any hesitation, “Freedom!”
The minute it left my mouth, I knew it was true. You know that feeling you get in your spirit when something speaks to your heart? Yep. That’s the one.
But even though I knew it was true, I really didn’t understand the ‘why’ part. So, I asked God, “Why freedom?” and He took me back to when He first asked me to write a book—to the time I had been explaining to Him how difficult it was for me to put words on paper or speak into a recorder—to the time the Holy Spirit suggested that instead of doing either of those things, that I preach each chapter from the pulpit.
What a great idea! So that’s exactly what I did!
The chapters that formed the basis for those messages came from the book I’m writing called, “The Power of God in the Midst of Your Storm.” It chronicles the season in my life that I spent in prison and it details how I saw the power of the Holy Spirit move daily with healings, salvations, baptisms in the Holy Spirit, and finally the miracle of water baptism in a prison that had never had one—before or since. So many manifestations of the Spirit! Such wonderful freedom in the Spirit! Such freedom in a place where freedom shouldn’t exist. Thank you God!
But interestingly, as I shared those amazing testimonies from my time in prison, that very revelation of freedom started to unravel for me, and I felt my heart, my courage, and my strength unravel right along with it. I was taking giant steps backward in the Spirit—and I felt exposed and vulnerable. All I could think about was that now everyone was going to know! I was a respected Pastor and business woman—but what would they think of me now?
I was determined NEVER to share my testimony again.
During those messages about the amazing things the Lord had done through me, I often made the statement that the manifestations of His Spirit made me feel like “I was freer in prison then I had ever been on the outside.” But even though I really felt that way, God showed me that that thinking was contrary to His Word. And I began to ponder the things He was showing me.
As the Holy Spirit began to speak to my heart, I looked back on the times when I had actually had the courage to mention that I’d been in prison, and I saw that no sooner had the words left my mouth, than I’d be overwhelmed by fear of man and pummeled with thoughts of “What will they think of me now?”
But with the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit, I was beginning to understand about shame, about fear of man, and about forgiving myself.
But then COVID hit, and with it came lock downs and locked churches. Everything we did was either on zoom or livestreamed to FaceBook. I never thought much about what that really meant in terms of scope and I continued to share testimonies of what the Lord did while I was in prison in messages that were now being video taped. And those messages went out on FaceBook. To the world. Wait! What?
Why I didn’t think about the implications of having my messages go out on FaceBook, I don’t know. But what I do know is that I really hadn’t expected anyone outside our church to watch them! Knowing that people across the United States and even in other countries were watching my messages was all it took for the shame and fear of man to overwhelm me once again. None of this was triggered by their comments—No! I bought into the lies of the enemy hook, line, and sinker. All by myself! I wasn’t truly free at all!
But God is so, so good. Over the last few years, the Holy Spirit has been teaching me how to walk in the freedom Jesus paid for on the cross. With the renewed presence of Covid, we’re continuing to push our video taped messages out to FaceBook. And now, whenever I feel any form of intimidation welling up inside me, instead of stopping or backing up, I intentionally push myself forward. I have learned to take those thoughts captive—to tear down those strongholds in my life that stopped me from being who God created me to be—and Praise God! I can now say that I truly am free! I found the courage to speak what God asked me to share, and the compassion for both myself and those who God intends the message to touch. There is less and less fear of man and more and more forgiveness of myself.
Now that is freedom—the real freedom spoken of in Galatians 5:1
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Today, I can say honestly I am freer now then I have ever been. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel this way! Praise God He is changing me from glory to glory!
Reflections:
The other day as I was walking, the Holy Spirit was talking about the book and this next season in my life and He spoke this to me, “You could have stopped at any point in this journey and I would not have been upset with you.” When He said it, I felt like He understood how difficult each step has been and how proud He was that I didn’t quit. Then I heard Him ask, “But hasn’t it been worth it?” And my answer? “Absolutely!”
Is there something that’s making you stop or back up? Something that’s keeping you from moving forward into what God has for you?
I encourage you to take a look at where you are. Spend time with Him and ask if there’s something that needs to be moved or a stronghold that needs to come down. He never promised it would be easy. But He does promise that it will be worth it. And He’ll be with you all the way.
Praise God.
